Why you keep going back to people who treat you badly

You know the pattern. They go quiet for three days, then send one message at 11pm and you feel the relief in your whole body. You tell your mates you're done. You're not done.

Here's the uncomfortable bit. That rush you feel isn't proof the connection is special. It's what happens when something unpredictable finally pays out.

The slot machine effect

Psychologists call it intermittent reinforcement. B.F. Skinner found in the 1950s that pigeons pecked hardest at a lever when food came out at random, not every time. Reward that turns up unpredictably keeps you hooked far longer than reward that turns up reliably.

Swap the pigeon for a person and the lever for your phone, and you've got most situationships.

The partner who texts back every time, makes plans and keeps them? They can feel boring at first. Not because they are boring, but because your body isn't on high alert waiting for the next payout. Calm can feel flat when you're used to chaos.

Familiar isn't the same as right

A lot of us learned what love feels like long before we could choose it. If attention at home was warm one day and cold the next, then hot and cold will feel like home later on. You don't pick these people on purpose. You pick them because they feel like something you already know how to survive.

That's worth sitting with for a minute. You're probably fine at relationships. Your sense of attraction is just tuned to the wrong signal.

The person who makes you anxious isn't always the person you love most. Sometimes they're just the one you're most afraid of losing.

What to do about it

You won't think your way out of this in one go, but you can start retuning.

1. Notice the feeling, then name it. When you get that 11pm rush, say to yourself: "That's relief, not love." It sounds daft. It works better than you'd expect.
2. Watch what people do when it costs them something. Anyone can be lovely when they want something. Watch how they act when you need a lift, a favour or an apology.
3. Give calm people a longer trial. If someone is consistent and you feel "nothing", give it five dates instead of two. Attraction to safety grows slower, but it holds.
4. Talk to someone qualified if it runs deep. If this pattern goes back years and keeps costing you, a counsellor will get further with it than any video or blog post. Using the right tool isn't weakness.

You're not broken for falling for the wrong people. You just learned the rules somewhere else. You can learn new ones.